I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
