So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
