i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
