your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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