Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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