I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
