Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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