do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He has the fingertips of a God
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