I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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