I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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