New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
