She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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