I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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