Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I want her autograph on my taint
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
