Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
