Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
