i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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