Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
