then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Enjoy the penises
The Olympian is in my bed
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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