You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I die, sorry about rent.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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