There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
