Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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