Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
kristin has been a bad kristin
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
