I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
