i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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