Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
