omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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