I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
