just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
