I can text with my tongue
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
