I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
