why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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