I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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