I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Drake has all the answers
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
