These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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