is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
