grandma shit on top of the toilet
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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