I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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