Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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