just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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