I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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