I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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