so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
