Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
