he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
