you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
