I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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