And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
