Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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