I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
