Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
