how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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